He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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