just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
