Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
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