Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just google imaged poop.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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