Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Randomize
