you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
