I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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