Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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