I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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