Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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