sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
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