I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
