Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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