mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
