I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
