I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
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I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
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its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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