clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
