the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
