i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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