i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
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