Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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