Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
