Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
