All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
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I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
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It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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