I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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