Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
