just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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