Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
How naked do you want me to be?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
