Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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