the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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