Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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