After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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