Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
