I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
