There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
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Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
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So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.