I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
