You really coming over, don't trick.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
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Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
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Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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