Apparently you make a good broom.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
