he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Randomize
