Your mouth is God's brothel.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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