I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
