we have pet lesbian snakes
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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