im having a threesome with these popsicles
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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