after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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