Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
