i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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