I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
