I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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