also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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