I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
