I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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