These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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