I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
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