i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
