the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
