Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
