I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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