Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
