he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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