I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
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