new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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